A Few Jamaican Jokes

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica

. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.

One night a man was was relaxing watching TV when out of the kitchen
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nayme Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi disya
payp eena yuh pocket wid di nayme Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his
headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack tiddeh an dat is di nayme of di
horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!". So the wife apologized, kissed his
headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen
again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts
back "YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!". 

A RASTAMAN WENT TO VISIT AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND. RASTAMAN KNOCK PON DI
DOOR
AND SMADDY INSIDE SEH: " A WHO DAT"
RASTAMAN----- " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD:
CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"
THE PERSON INSIDE REPLIED: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR
FI SO MUCH AH OONU".

Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said " cha , 'im, only a egg."
Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

a jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...
"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...
"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di

this mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.
one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.
kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.
now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.
my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.
while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of 'Gizzadas'.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the 'Gizzada' was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a 'Gizzada' at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife...... "Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you funeral."

One day bigboy go a school an di teacher say
everybaddy fi draw sup n
So when di teacha luk pan everybaddy drawing
Di teacha seh good good
Den when it reach to bigboy him come up an di teacha dey dey a luuk pan di paypa an seh
but bigboy mi no see nutn me ongle see waan likkle dat.
So hair bigboy him now yes teacha es a plane but it dey far out u caaan seet. fuuunnny eh Thats mutombo frm santa Cruz

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass in the Caribbean and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Jamaica the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, blue mountains, streams, hills, and water falls. The people from Jamaica are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play football and go to the Winter Olympics."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots that run their government."

Two years ago i visited Jamaica. I went to the hospital to visit a
friend. I overheard the nurses giggling about something one of the dying patients said.
Curious to hear the joke i asked them what it was: A nurse went up the the dying
councillor and asked him if he was feeling pain. The dying man turned to the nurse and
shouted paaaain,paaaaain tell me about PPPPPPPPP NNNNNNNNNNNNNN PPPPPPPPPPPPP
OF COURSE THIS MAN WAS A 36 YEARS VETERIAN IN THE PNP PARTY.

Top 10 Richest Jamaican Dancehall/Reggae Artistes (Alive)

So… has it ever crossed your mind, who are the richest Jamaican entertainers? Usually, we love information like these by Forbes, but too bad — this list doesn’t exist in their catalog. However, according to the Jamaica Observer, someone — whosoever sat down and did a quite interesting research and so, we are not sure if these are just speculations or actual facts.
Anyways, Shaggy reportedly tops list of richest Reggae acts. There are no doubts that if this list was for the all time richest reggae musician, the number one person would be Bob Marley, with an estimated worth of over US$130 million.
Shaggy topped the list due to selling over 20 million copies worldwide of his 2001 album Hot Shot, but equally due to securing a lucrative royalty deal for that album better than 90 per cent of the industry. We spotted the list as followed below.

1. Shaggy at US$22 million (JM$1.8 billion)

2. Jimmy Cliff at US$18 million (JM$1.5 billion)

3. Sean Paul at US$11 million JM($944 million)

4. Ziggy Marley at US$10 million (JM$858 million)

5. Sean Kingston at US$7 million (JM$601 million)

6. Damian Marley at US$6 million (JM$515 million)

7. Maxi Priest at US$4.6 million (JM$395 million)

8. Buju Banton at US$4 million (JM$343 million)

9. Beenie Man at US$3.7 million (JM$318 million)

10. Bounty Killer at US$3 million (JM$258 million)

Shaggy managed to sign a sweet deal with UMG, named MCA Records at the time, where he earned (greatly on) each album sold for Hot Shot. Majority of artistes are lucky to earn $1 off each album sold. The Marley’s on the other hand having their own company to work with, puts them at an advantage to earn more off album sales.
Regarding tour dates, again each artist’s earnings vary according to their popularity and demands. Therefore, when artistes like Sean Paul or Sean Kingston would earn an average US$40,000 per tour date, other artists like Bounty and Beenie would be brushing an average US$10,000.
Sean Paul is very conservative, and it is possible that Bounty Killer accumulated that amount because he is also a conservative spender and has other businesses. Regarding Jimmy Cliff, he has been around from in the early days of reggae and has been involved in music, songwriting and movies. He did songwriting for big artistes and also got his songs covered by the likes of Bruce Springsteen with Trapped.
According to the Jamaica Observer, the total combined worth at US$90 million is greater than the annual earnings from Jamaica’s major exports including bauxite at US$85 million in 2009 (separate from the US$368 million earned from alumina exports) and sugar at US$72 million according to Bank of Jamaica statistics.
It signifies the earning potential of the nation’s music which has come under threat in recent years from international gay and government lobby groups. Consequently, all the top 10 artistes made the bulk of their income prior to the mid 2000′s.

Jamaican Culture And Jamaican Traditions

Amaican culture can be aptly described as the Jamaican human activity within different aspects of everyday life that relate to Jamaican traditions. Jamaican culture can be divided into several sectors or sects, usually called Jamaican aspects of culture.

Origin: Jamaican culture is defined as the origin of its entire population. The Jamaican culture is mixed as most of the society is ethnically diverse. There are several nations and peoples, the majority are African, then Indian and Chinese, then the minority being European. There is a North American contingent but they did not contribute to the origin and main stream Jamaican society.

Traditions: Jamaican traditions assist in defining the culture of the society. Jamaican traditions are ritualistic acts that are carried out over a specific period of time or at a specific event. This is very prevalent in Jamaican society and is fundamental in defining Jamaican culture. The most popular Jamaican traditions are for most national holidays, such as Christmas cake, Sorrel, pudding at Christmas time, Fried fish, lent at Easter time and other national holidays. Rituals such as the famed Nine Night after the death of a loved one are a popular Jamaican tradition that characterizes the Jamaican culture.

Cuisine: Jamaican cuisine and cooking is an important aspect of cultural embodiment. The foods and the recipes make a culture richer. The Jamaican culture has been enriched by superb Jamaican foods such as Jerk Chicken Recipes, Jerk Pork and the infamous Red Stripe Beer. It is foods such as these that help to define Jamaican culture.

Religion: Another key indicator and unifying aspect Jamaican culture. Jamaican has developed a unique type of religion. The primary type called Pocomania which was a blend between European Christianity and African religious practices, the secondary is Rastafarianism. This religion is practically by a small amount of people in the country, hence is not really a unifying aspect but gives Jamaican culture through religion its uniqueness and hence requires mention.

Music: Reggae and its derivatives such as dance hall, rock steady are key for the development of Jamaican culture. This music has its origins in Jamaica and cannot be claimed by any other nation. The captivating type of music has led to a growing following. The music has an upbeat aspect to it’s with constant rhythmic beats.

Art and Clothing: Jamaican Art and Clothing are both very important in defining Jamaican culture. Jamaican art has steeped in the depicting Jamaican everyday life. This has manifested it self in sculptures, paintings, collage and craft works. This is a direct shift from the more abstract type of European art and even the African more morbid types of art that focus a lot on history. Jamaican art culture at most does not focus on history. Jamaican clothing does reflect culture. Though Jamaican clothing and fashion is not as popular as European and African clothing it is defined by the use of primary colors and the popular use of cotton because of the tropical climate.

Folk Lure: This is yet to be aptly recognized as a part of culture. Folk lure can often be cited as a part of Jamaican tradition however folk lure is stories and ballads passed down through the generations. However this is not really the case but folk lure and happenings are carried through in dance and drama which fall under ‘other arts’ another corner stone of culture.

Other Arts – Jamaican dance, drama and speech in culture. Primarily Jamaican culture is depicted in dance by folk music, dancing kumina, the quadrille and other Jamaican dances which tell stories of the history of Jamaican sending the message to the young through dance. This technique has kept even to this day with dancehall reggae and the many dances and dancers such as Gerald ‘Bogle’ Levy a popular Jamaican dancer of the new era that passed in 2006. Jamaican speech is defined as patois. Though this is actually incorrect as patois is really broken English and French, Jamaica really speaks broken English. The distinct accent of a Jamaican almost embodies the Jamaican culture. There is another great aspect to the arts and culture as the speech or language carries in both, music and art. Jamaica culture is unique not just to the Caribbean, but to the world and the Jamaican Diaspora has carried the Jamaican culture worldwide. It is reported that there is at least one Jamaican living in every country in the world, a most admirable feat and a huge benefit for Jamaican traditions.

Tattoos and Piercings In Jamaica

Portrait

Courtney Buckley    
( Klymax-elite Tats )

Cover Up

The old ancient art of tattoo and piercing is vastly taken over the city of Kingston,once labeled as evil or wicked if seen sporting a tattoo or piercing here in Jamaica.Jamaica is vastly becoming Americanized due to the fact that people are travelling more and learning new cultures as well the nationwide popularity of cable television.

The tattoos these days are far more advance than it's predecessors mainly due to the fact of advance in technology and equipment.There are many tattoo and piercing artist here in Jamaica but i am only going to focus on one(1) and his name does not need and introduction really and thats Courtney Klymax Buckley.   

Courtney is the founder and owner of Klymax Tattoos which can be found on 55 slipe road .Kingston, Cross Rds, Shopping Plaza Shop 21. (firts plaza on ur right below courts).Tattoos and Piercings is these days synonymous with being hip and swagg due to large amount of entertainers and sports personnel both locally and internationally most of  which models there tattoo and piercing in their videos and respective sporting venues.

(to be con't)

Hot Spots in Kingston, Jamaica

Welcome to Kingston, Jamaica

Lots of people want to know where to go when they don't want to party but just hangout with friends or meet new people. These are the top five hottest hangout spots in Kingston, Jamaica.

Kingston hotspot 

#1

Cuddy'z Sports Bar and Restaurant

Cuddy'z, founded by the great cricketer Courtney Walsh, is a state of the art sports bar that is located in the New Kingston Shopping Centre. It's perfect for persons who want to unwind with friends after work not just because of the convenient location but because there is absolutely no problem parking. This place is not just for sports personalities and fans but for anyone who wants to be at the #1 hotspot. Cuddy'z is famous for naming dishes and drinks after our Jamaican and West Indian sporting heroes. During the 5-8 p.m. happy hour, one can sip cocktails honouring the island's amazing sporting personalities while relaxing in the high-tech bar watching a game of cricket or football. The drinks include the Cuddyztini, an intoxicating mix of June plum juice and vodka and Asafa's 4x1 honouring Asafa Powell. And for the alcohol free patrons, (they didn't forget about you) they've recently added a wide range of non-alcoholic cocktails to their menu. Come in and dine at Cuddy'z- they accomodate ALL sporting fans.

Shop 10B to E
New Kingston Shopping Centre, New Kingston
Open: 11:30 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. Sundays to Thursdays,
and to 2:00 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays

Kingston hotspot 

#2

Jamrock Sports Bar and Grill

Located on Kingston's one and only "Hip Strip," this happening sports bar and restaurant has been visited almost by every who's who of the entertainment and sporting industry. The restaurant setting and ambience is true to form providing bar stools, television, music, game tables and full bar. If you're staying at a hotel in the area you can just swing by for lunch or dinner. It's within easy walking distance from the three hotels on Knutsford Boulevard. You can carry out or eat in the bar/restaurant section while watching all kinds of sports. Foreigners can spend about US$5 for dinner and be very full. The bammy strips are top notch as an appetizer. Another good appetizer, is a beef or chicken patty. And beerchuggers, note that the beer (Red Stripe) is actually cheaper than the soft drinks. Definitely give this place a try as the service is great and the experience is one of a kind.

69 Knutsford Blvd
Kingston, NB E5N Jamaica
Open: 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Mondays to Saturdays

Kingston hotspot 

#3

Christopher's Jazz café

At the island's only multi-level high energy nightclub, Christopher's Jazz Café is the landing area in the QUAD as it is the first point of contact once you get inside. Situated on the ground floor, it offers a warm, swanky, inviting and comfortable upscale décor complete with lounge seating, a baby grand piano and an Appleton V/X Bar. It also provides a light menu. That means that patrons of The Quad nightclub floors will not have to leave the multi-level club to find food. Christopher's Café is open until the early morning hours. They offer light meals such as fish and chicken sandwiches and finger foods such as shrimp. Happy hours, live jazz entertainment and a well stocked wine cellar are signature features of Christopher's Jazz Café. Christopher's has a variety to offer- if you get tired of one thing, you can move from floor to floor! If you want to hear current music then Oxygen is the place for you. If you want to hear retro music then Voodoo Lounge is the place to be. You do not pay to enter Christopher's however there is a one cover charge to enter the Voodoo and Oxygen night-clubs, beginning at 10 o'clock each night. For variety to satisfy all moods come to Christpoher's at the QUAD.

20 - 22 Trinidad Terrace, New Kingston,
Kingston 5, Jamaica W.I.
Tel: 876.754-QUAD (7823)

Kingston Hotspot 

#4

Whatson Cafe, Devon House

This hot and savvy Internet café is located at one of Kingston's famous historical sites- Devon House. Created by where-to-go gurus, Whatsonjamaica, it gives you all that you could possibly dream of in a café and even more. You can even tote your wireless laptop and logon at the indoor and outdoor cafe! The service is excellent in the open yet private setting of the cafe that facilitates dates and business meetings just the same. They offer cappucinos and frappucinos that are to die for and a menu of satisying sandwiches and light meals! For everyone that wants to be in the know for where to go courtesy of Whatsonjamaica while keeping up with the many amenities in cyberspace Devon House's Whatson Cafe has been created for you.

Shop #5&6, Devon House,
26 Hope Road,
Kingston, Jamaica.
Open: 9:00 AM - 9:00 PM Monday - Thursday, 9:00am-10:00pm Friday and 10:00am-10:00pm Saturday and Sunday

Kingston hotspot 

#5

Up on the Roof

Along the hip Knutsford Boulevard and adjacent to several clubs, Up on the Roof has been the spot most famous for live performances by upcoming international and local artises of all genres. This is in their encouragement of support for live music in Jamaica. In its existence for over two years, the rooftop restaurant has been making its fair contribution to the New Kingston scene and has doubled its size with a canopied bar area. It features popular shows such as LIVE UP ON THE ROOF which is is a weekly live music series that gives exposure to underground artistes across the genres of music. They also host WORDPLAY - a cool combination of jazz & poetry for the night. If you haven't already, we urge you to visit Up On The Roof especially on a Saturday night so that you can experience and support live music in Kingston.

73 Knutsford Boulevard
New Kingston

There is also "Acropolis" and "Medusa"