A Few Jamaican Jokes

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica

. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.

One night a man was was relaxing watching TV when out of the kitchen
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nayme Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi disya
payp eena yuh pocket wid di nayme Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his
headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack tiddeh an dat is di nayme of di
horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!". So the wife apologized, kissed his
headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen
again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts
back "YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!". 

A RASTAMAN WENT TO VISIT AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND. RASTAMAN KNOCK PON DI
DOOR
AND SMADDY INSIDE SEH: " A WHO DAT"
RASTAMAN----- " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD:
CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"
THE PERSON INSIDE REPLIED: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR
FI SO MUCH AH OONU".

Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said " cha , 'im, only a egg."
Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

a jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...
"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...
"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di

this mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.
one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.
kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.
now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.
my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.
while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of 'Gizzadas'.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the 'Gizzada' was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a 'Gizzada' at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife...... "Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you funeral."

One day bigboy go a school an di teacher say
everybaddy fi draw sup n
So when di teacha luk pan everybaddy drawing
Di teacha seh good good
Den when it reach to bigboy him come up an di teacha dey dey a luuk pan di paypa an seh
but bigboy mi no see nutn me ongle see waan likkle dat.
So hair bigboy him now yes teacha es a plane but it dey far out u caaan seet. fuuunnny eh Thats mutombo frm santa Cruz

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass in the Caribbean and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Jamaica the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, blue mountains, streams, hills, and water falls. The people from Jamaica are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play football and go to the Winter Olympics."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots that run their government."

Two years ago i visited Jamaica. I went to the hospital to visit a
friend. I overheard the nurses giggling about something one of the dying patients said.
Curious to hear the joke i asked them what it was: A nurse went up the the dying
councillor and asked him if he was feeling pain. The dying man turned to the nurse and
shouted paaaain,paaaaain tell me about PPPPPPPPP NNNNNNNNNNNNNN PPPPPPPPPPPPP
OF COURSE THIS MAN WAS A 36 YEARS VETERIAN IN THE PNP PARTY.